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Ranger Harold/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, whenever I go to a tractor pull or a monster truck rally, or whatever, my wife always tries to balance it out by forcing me to go to a play or a ballet or something. Oh, sure, I try to weasel out of it, but you can only pretend to have appendicitis so many times before they catch on. And you know, I'd be fine if I could just sit quietly in my chair and go to sleep while the guys in the tights are flitting around the stage in their swan costumes. But, man, she's watching me like a hawk, eh? To make sure I'm applauding at all the right spots, not just when it's finally over. So I have to pretend I'm enjoying it. And faking enjoyment is not something men do. So here's the answer... Take the windshield wiper assembly out of your car during a dry spell. Then you wanna thread the wipers through the elbows of your sports jacket. Hook the motor up to one of these clapper switches, and power the whole unit from this homemade battery belt. Make sure you don't get a short while you're wearing this, or your goose is cooked and so are your giblets. Now, you can see how natural this looks. Now, believe it or not, these are fake arms. Yeah, they're attached to my windshield wiper motor. My real arms come out through the elbow holes and rest comfortably in my pockets, clutching my car keys. I've got the battery belt on and everything is controlled by this clapper switch hanging around my neck. Now I can just drop off into a deep sleep and dream about drag racing, while romeo and juliet take two and a half hours to kill themselves. And my wife'll think I'm paying attention, because any time anyone within 15 feet of me applauds, so will I. Here let me show you. When it looks like I'm asleep, you guys clap your hands. [ snoring ] [ light applause ] [ cheers and applause ] big, big week up at the lodge this week. Ranger gord has turned himself in for psychiatric evaluation. It's actually good for him to be with people again. Kinda tough on the people. Meanwhile they've asked for anybody who would take his place up at the tower until he comes back. Who would be crazy enough to take on that job? I'm mean, you'd have to -- uncle red, guess what? I'm subbing in for ranger gord. Harold, now, what would make you decide to do something like that? Well, because... Sometimes when people are together for a long period of time, sometimes, one of those people takes the other person for granted. Well, I don't mind you taking me for granted, harold. You know, you get up in that tower, you're not gonna be able to play any sports; you're not gonna be able to go on any dates; actually, you'll be fine. Well, I do appreciate you worrying about me. I'm not worried -- okay, yeah, I always worry about you, harold. But that had more to do with what you are than where you are. So it doesn't matter where I am. Well, no, I -- no. I just think you should think about what it's gonna be like up there all alone in the tower. Well, you should think about what it's gonna be like all alone here at the lodge. You're absolutely right. I'll give you a ride. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's prize is dinner for two at a new medieval themed restaurant, his majesty's blowout. Eat with your hands in torchlit dark ages splendour, as horses relieve themselves within arm's reach. No cover, no minimum. Okay, red, you've got 30 seconds to get ed -- close your ears -- to say this word... Yeah, all right, dalton. Okay... Go! Uh, all right, ed, when you go to a restaurant, this is something special you might order... Curly fries. No, no. Think something á l'orange. Juice? Okay. Okay. This is a bird that is very popular for people to shoot. Pigeon. Ed, it's illegal to shoot pigeons. You didn't say "legal," you said "popular." okay, okay, think of the word "quack" and a large bill. Cosmetic surgeon. Okay, oh, no, no. This is an animated character, real wacky. Donald... Trump. No, okay, no. This is something that you yell out when you're scared. It rhymes with "luck." [ laughter ] I may have to disqualify myself. Time's almost up, red! Yeah, uh -- okay, ed, no. This is a delicacy, peking... Oh, peking! Red, I've never been to Spain. Come on! I'm sorry. I'm going to have to duck this one. This is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke, you're not trying. Joining me today, we've got local taxi operator, hap shaughnessy. What's the problem, hap? My dancing shoes. I got a loose tap. Yeah, that's always been my feeling. You ever see me do any tap dancing, red? Every time somebody asks you a question. I mean the old days, m.G.M. You ever hear of gene kelly or donald o'connor? Well, yeah. I mean, they were real great. Great and real. That was all hype. They were just moving their feet around a little. I'm the one who recorded all the actual tapping. So... Made them sound genuine. Hap, you make everyone sound genuine. All right, mr. Bojangles. You're all set. Let's see you do a little tap dancing there, huh? [ chuckling ] come on. Let's see it. Shoes feel pretty good. Just gonna loosen up the old leg muscles a bit. [ expert tapping sounds ] [ applause begins ] wait a sec. No, no, no. Put your foot up there. That one right there. There's a cassette player here. Well, of course it is. Well, let's see what's on it. [ tap dancing sounds ] well, isn't that the same routine you just did? Well, sure it is. I just recorded it. [ applause ] just going over the lodge expenses from last year. Apparently we spent 84% of our hospitality budget on beer and the rest on pizza. I'm telling the guys we gotta cut down on the cost of pizza. You're probably thinking, why don't we just make our own? Well, that's not that easy. You get a bunch of lodge members in the kitchen cooking dinner, now you got that element of gender ambiguity that makes a lot of us nervous about sleeping in a four-man tent. So it's better if cook our pizza in a non-kitchen environment. Right now on handyman corner I'm gonna show you how to do exactly that, using something you already got lying around your house... I don't mean your grandfather. I'm talking about one of these old record players. [ coughing ] one of these older models with the long spindles for stacking records on. Next you need an album to cook the pizza on that, preferably something that's used to lots of cheese. That's why I went with william shatner. Okay, once you get that on there, all's you do is take a pound of pizza dough, stick that right down over the spindle. And you're set to roll. Now, the beauty of these old machines, you get the 78 speed on there. That way you can get captain kirk doin' warp speed. May the centrifugal force be with you. Okay, next we use the same basic principle to add our tomato sauce and our pepperoni. I've actually pre-loaded the tomato sauce into this squeezable ketchup bottle here. Okay, now, for our pepperoni, just take one of these pepperoni sticks and drop it down an old cigar tube. Now all we have to do is slice it. That's why I've got a cigar cutter mounted on the bottom end. Okay, now here comes the best part. See, I've taken this aerosol cheese here and I've got her hooked up to this feeder tube. Now I just attach that to the underside of my tone arm here, where my record needle used to be. And then I just set it down to 45 rpm and let the cheese play the pizza. If you like double cheese, just set her on 33 1/3. Okay, we're almost done here. Now to turn this baby into an oven, just duct tape some old toaster elements to the underside of the dust cover. But if you're one of those people who likes your crust extra crispy, maybe you wanna go with a cd burner. Oh, there's a surefire hit. And once we slice it, we'll have a hit single. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you... Handy. We haven't just made a great pizza, we've set a record. You know, there's a period in a man's life when his body is a dictatorship. His brain is the great dictator, snapping off orders and ruling his body with an iron fist. Oh, sure, there are occasional uprisings, but they don't last long. Generally the body does whatever the brain tells it to do. But then, as in history, the loyal subjects eventually realise their leader doesn't have a clue. And that brings the great body rebellion -- or as it's also known, middle age. I mean, it might begin slow. Maybe your stomach starts refusing delivery on those midnight pepperoni pizzas. Maybe your knees don't want to go upstairs just now. Maybe your libido is mounting an initiative, but can't find any volunteers. That's because you have a new constitution. You're not a dictatorship anymore; you're a wide open democracy, where every muscle, organ, bone and sinew gets a vote. Not only is your brain no longer dictator for life, but in a few years, your body parts won't even be able to agree on anything. You know what that leads to... Bad government, voter unrest and saddest of all, a hanging chad. Remember I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Harold? Harold! Uncle red! What are you doin'? You're not gonna jump, are you? No! Here, help me up. Ooh, soft hands. You use moisturizer? That's just weird. You come in here. You come in here. Stop foolin' around like that. You're gonna go crazy. I'm fine, really. It's just -- but you worry about me? Well, harold, I come up here, you're hanging off the side of the tower. No, I'm just adjusting the television antenna. This is the highest point in the area. I can get like 78 channels. Well, you know, harold, television is not -- 78 channels? Yeah, 78. But harold, don't you miss, like, human conversation, someone to talk to? Um, no, I'm pretty comfortable. I mean, there's plenty of books to read and lots of food to eat. Ranger gord said I could have anything I want -- except the canned beans. He says he uses them as his alarm clock. You know what, that's not normal, harold, okay. I don't want you turning out like that, okay? I'm just fine. I really am. But if you miss me that bad, you know, you want me back there, you need me back there, I am there. Well, you know -- I'm just saying that you're up here in the tower, okay, and you can start losing it, you know. Like, you could forget what day it is. What day is it? It's Sunday. No, it isn't. It's Friday. Okay, that was a bad example. I think so. Okay, what I'm saying is your sanity's up for grabs in a situation like this. Well, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but uncle red, I am just fine. All right. All right. Okay. Okay, that's all I needed to hear. Okay, away you go. No, I stay here. You go back down to the lodge. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Harold, look, promise me this, if you find yourself goin' bonkers, you just come on home. Okay. Okay, great. Okay. Uncle red, you might wanna take the stairs. Yeah. [ applause ] red: I was trying to recapture my youth a little bit last week. Decided to take a football out. It's that time of year. Just toss the football around the field, so I fire one over towards walter. Never flinched, you know. Come on, guys, let's throw a ball around. Let's throw a ball around. C'mon, let's throw a ball. C'mon, guys, let's throw a ball. But no, they got this electric football deal where the thing vibrates, and the players -- how can you be more interested in that than a real game? Well, suddenly the power went off on it. They don't know what happened there. Trying the switch. And, uh, somehow the wire had got cut. I had no idea. No idea. But I had a better idea. Let's do something on a bigger scale so we can take part -- so here we have our own electric football game, using these gas powered concrete tampers. That'll give you the vibration. Okay, we'll duct tape you right on to the unit. And then, you know, you pull -- now, this is really, in all fairness -- don't do this in the house. But you can get movin' -- the idea is I'd be the quarterback, and they would just kinda move -- okay, get yourselves -- okay, get an arm free. Okay -- no, no. Get away from each other. Get away. Get away. Get away. That's it. All right. So it looks like walter's gettin' open, so I'm gonna give walter -- okay, walter, okay. Here it comes. Here it comes, walter. Here it -- oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. All right, bill. Bill, bill, there we go. No. No. Eh, no. All right, walter, here we go. Walter, oh, oh, oh -- no. No. Ah, all right, bill. Here we go. Bill. Bill. Manhole! Bill, manhole! Okay, that's pretty good coverage. All right -- no, no, walter. Okay, over here. Over here. Garbage can. Garbage can! Okay, all right. Okay, go long. Go long. Go long! Go really long. Go long. Okay, not that long. Ah, serves the cop right for parkin' there. And he gets up onto the shed roof. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. Okay. Okay. Put your arm up. Put your arm up. Here it comes. Here it comes. Oh, man, look at the arm on that guy. Unbelievable. Yeah, lookin' good. What? Oh, it's a little weak. Oh! And, uh, here comes the ball. Are you okay? Everything okay, walter? Yeah, he's got her. He's got her. Okay, you know what? We'll give you seven points. Hey, bill. Too late, bill. Bill, bill. Bill, bill, game over. Game over. Bill, game over. Game over. You know, it's human nature to put up barriers between ourselves and others. That's why they have these little dividers on the checkout belt at the supermarket. 'cause I'll tell you, there is nothing more embarrassing than when a tub of cottage cheese gets mixed in with a bag of pork fat. I mean, seriously, who eats cottage cheese? Wouldn't it be great if you could do the same thing on the highway, separate yourself from those moron tailgaters? Well, you can. All you have to do is get yourself a couple of these old security gates. I got these through the miracle of bad brakes. And you attach them to your back bumper, using the handyman's secret weapon. Put a giant grocery divider between 'em, see. And you run a rope over the roof, down through the skylight, so you can control the whole unit from the driver's seat. That way the next time the guy behind you gets too close, you can just drop your man-sized grocery divider to separate the top sirloin from the hot dogs. [ horn honking ] well, harold hasn't been here for about a week by now, and I figure he must be going right 'round the bend, right 'round it. Right 'round -- I bet he's round -- I bet he's r-r-round -- you know, I kinda miss the goof. I mean, the weird thing is junior singleton come over, and I started talkin' to him the way I talk to harold. I thought he was gonna smack me one. Harold: Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Oh, here we go. Yeah, c'mon in, harold. Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire. Fire. Ow. Hot. Hot. Harold, that was my dinner. Smoked turkey. Well, you should be more careful. voice only you can prevent turkey fires. See? You've gone loopy. You need to come back here to the lodge where you belong. Pardon me? I'm saying you need to get out of that fire watchtower -- no, no. You said I needed to be back at the lodge... Where I belong! Oh, no. I belong! That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. But who's gonna take my job at the fire watchtower? See, this is it, eh. Buster hadfield bought a truck off of me without tellin' his wife, so he needs a place to go for a little while. Oh, boy! Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you wanted me back here the whole time, didn't you? That's why you burnt the turkey! Well, you don't have a phone, harold. [ possum squealing ] meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, all right. Please don't touch me. Well, it's just the nicest thing. Please don't. No. A little bit. A little touch? A good touch? An aura touch. [ applause ] if my wife watchin', I'm really hopin' you didn't see any of that. We'll check our auras later on tonight. And to the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and loopy and the rest of the gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay, everybody, sit down. The meeting's coming to order. Gotta sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Okay, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right, men, I got good news and I got bad news. Uh, harold is back from the fire tower, and he hasn't changed a bit. Actually, I can't remember the good news. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com